l| a time to be silent and a time to speak |l

Late Night Raving

Sometimes, I love to be awake in the still of the night. Tonight's one of those nights. Stillness which is unlike that of mornings'. It's like i still have the whole night ahead of me, but if it's early morning, there's always a pressure to rush things and to get things going. Not that i'm working on anything right now of course.. it's still in the middle of my 2-week break before i charge on in a different routine of my life. A new beginning, as they'd like to call it.

It's just that tonight, i've been reading the online diary of this lady, Alex, who had given up her cushy corporate job about 2.5 years ago to pursue and realise her dream of being a published writer (her website is on the left << - 'stranger'). I chanced upon her website on blogspot's main page and from there, i found another link (also on the left << - 'Wish Jar Tales') which contains some inspirational accounts of people, mostly women i think, who are in the creative line. Take a look. :)

Anyway, after reading some of her entries (i'm at june 8th 2001 of her diary, barely 2 months since she decided to be a full-time writer), i have this urge to do some typing myself. I identified with some of the things she said in her entries, thoughts about security issue, and the fears of trying to work out your dreams, etc etc. Not that i've always wanted to be a writer, but i guess the same desire to do something more than just to earn money and live is there. The desire to want to make a difference in this huge world. To achieve something. Not saying that working in a non-creative job is worthless of course! Just that i feel for something other than that...

Hearing and reading stories about death and suicides tonight tugged at my heart like it has always done before, and is probably another reason to arouse this reflection now. Once again, i am grateful that i'm alive and well (thank You, God) and is able-bodied. (Digress: I read in a book before about how the protaganist counts her blessings, literally, by being thankful for her 2 eyes, 2 ears, 1 nose, 1 mouth, 2 arms and 2 legs. Hehe.) I want to live out my dreams too (hopefully & prayerfully they are part of my destiny). Sometimes, professing your dream publicly is a difficult step in itself, because of the expectations of fulfilling it or the possible ridicule and doubt you may reluctantly receive. Frankly, i am not much of a dreamer, though i agree that it is a good thing to dream. One may not fulfil that dream, but without even having one, that dream will definitely not be fulfilled.

For now, at this point of my 21+years of life, my dream is to be able to learn and study graphic arts/design in the future.. when i've saved enough or when i think i'm ready to take the plunge. I've always been interested in looking at pictures, photos, ads, and deciphering the meaning and intentions behind each carefully composed visual image. However, fear and uncertainty are always lurking around and leashing my dreams. The fear of studying when i'm older; of not being talented in this area to achieve much or worse, anything, out of it; of not having enough money to pay for my dream AND my life... of not fulfilling or even trying at achieving something because of all the of-nots. I don't know if that will be something i can and will realise one day, but somehow, to me, this is an important step to the whole process of living. Constantly figuring out what this life has in store for me and what i want to make out of it. I will only have this one chance to live it out... with as few regrets.

That is one of my dreams. The rest will have to wait for other late nights.