l| a time to be silent and a time to speak |l

Long-winded Whine

I got a call this afternoon from one of the places which I'd sent in my job applications to, but i've got mixed feelings. I've been shortlisted for an interview, supposedly on the following day but it's too rush for me to take leave without looking overly suspicious. So another day was suggested, which is just as well. Gives me a little more time to prepare.

Thing is, it was frankly a half-hearted application. At its core, it's kinda an act of desperation. Depending on which perspective I'm looking from, the desire to throw in the towel borders between sanity saving and cowardice. The high-stress period is starting all over again and I'm freaking out. On top of repeating what I went through last year, there's also gonna be a whole new experience (2nd phase of that particular project) happening simultaneously.

Though the job which I'm gonna be interviewed for isn't what I'd really wanna do, I'm tempted to justify the possibility of accepting it. [I feel like Faustus who gives up his soul in exchange for power and an experience of a third kind, with a part of me like Mephastophilis (however did Marlow come up with such a name anyway), egging me to drop it all and live life easy.] Conscience, pride and fear seem to be pulling the brakes this time round.

Anyway, I'm gonna go for the interview. Good to feel wanted. Perhaps another sub-conscious reason why I applied for it anyway. Maybe I would have opportunities to do what I like to do there... maybe I'll finally earn enough to apply for a credit card... (Not that I want one, but just to make a useless point.) A good training ground for THE real interview next time, maybe. Feels different preparing for an interview of a job which i don't really want, though.
As much as i don't like to say this, this interview might probably illuminate if I should just grit the towel for now... and just w a i t - the easiest yet most difficult thing to do sometimes.

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Ha, check this out:

"Quitting is always easier than enduring. It is always easier to stop and have a donut than to run another lap [oh yeah.]... When life does not turn out the way you had planned, the option of quitting will always begin to look like sweet relief [mmmm, yes pls!]... But over the long haul, leaving easily has a tendency to produce people who live in a pattern of giving up.

Growth happens when you seek or exert control where you are able to rather than giving up in difficult circumstances. It happens when you decide to be wholly faithful in a situation that you do not like [absolutely!!] and cannot understand. ... Then you discover that, somehow, you are not alone. As he was with Joseph, the Lord is also with you. [I know... BuT...]

All research suggests that self-esteem largely boils down to one issue: When you face a difficult situation, do you approach it, take action, and face it head on, or do you avoid it, wimp out, and run and hide?

Avoidance kills an inner sense of confidence and esteem. But when you take on a challenge, it builds the core of who you are, even if you don't perform flawlessly. ... When you do this, you will get a little stronger inside. But when you wimp out by refusing to take the difficult step or saying the hard word - you die a little. And if that becomes a pattern, over time you come to see yourself as someone who cannot cope with life's greatest challenges. And even if things turn out well externally [like getting a gold card..] and people are impressed with your life, you will be incurring an internal debt that you will pay off the rest of your life. [woah. not even the gold card can salvage that... Ha.]"

[* Cut and pasted from John Ortberg's book.]

Ok, think i'm whining too much here. I mean, editing words, managing people top, left and right, etc surely can't compare with surgeons managing a scalpel near a brain, right?